Johnson is said to connect with people emotionally. But his only real emotion is self-love, says Guardian columnist Marina Hyde
I wouldnt kiss you if you were the last man on Earth! Its one of the great cliches of romance novels that any woman saying this will, in due course, be doing just that. Maybe itll be a hate-kiss in the hayloft above the stables; maybe itll be a momentary lapse just after hes rescued her from a predatory ranch hand. But you can absolutely bet on it: shes going to be sharing herself with this man within 100 pages. The Tory parliamentary partys relationship with Boris Johnson is the hardcore porn version of this.
For so long, you couldnt move for Conservative MPs saying theyd leave the party if Johnson ever became leader, that they wouldnt vote for him in a million years, that he didnt have a chance of getting anywhere near their special place. One hundred pages deeper into the shitshow, where are we on these holdouts?
Well, weirdo Fleet Street convention demands I describe this as a family newspaper. So I cant even begin to detail the stuff the Conservative party are probably going to do for Johnson and, indeed, the stuff theyre going to let him do to them. But I can tell you that while hes doing it, they will not be protesting, but instead moaning DO ME UP THE WTO! PERVERT ME LIKE THE FACTS IN YOUR CHURCHILL BIOGRAPHY! IMPREGNATE ME WITH YOUR O-LEVEL LATIN! The clear message you should be getting from the party of business is: buy shares in lube today.
Is he even possibly going to be our next prime minster, then? Boris Johnson? This Queer Eye before photo, this offbrand Flashheart, this radioactive haystack, this Frankenstein assemblage of all the rejected personality disorders of the minor Greek gods? Oh wait this overpromoted journalist whose style philosophy is sleeping in my car for a domestic misdemeanour? According to what one experienced hand at the heart of government told the Spectators James Forsyth this week, The only person who can stop Boris is Boris. Right just like how Mike Tyson said his hardest opponent was always himself. In a way.
If Johnsons is one of the two names that makes it past the parliamentary ballot, he is surely nailed on. Among the Tory partys madly reactionary members, who lag about 30 years behind the rest of the country in every attitudinal survey, there is barely a blue rinse out there who doesnt secretly fancy a knee-trembler with this winsomely naughty boy, 54. Sure, there will be a few Tory MPs who keep their word and decline to stick around in the event of Johnson winning your Dominic Grieves (whos already lost one confidence motion in his constituency), and perhaps your Nicholas Soameses. And well come to how heartbreakingly brief that could render BoJos premiership in another column.
But in general, you should give as much credence to Tory MPs earlier expressions of principle as far as Johnson is concerned as you should have done to all the celebrities who said they would emigrate if Labour got into power in 1997, and to all the US stars who said theyd move to Canada if Donald Trump won the US presidency.